What does a writer do when chaos and uncertainty fills almost an entire year, culminating in your agent unexpectedly having to leave agenting altogether while you’re in the middle of subbing to publishers? Why, go off your meds, of course! In other words, let me explain where I’ve been for the last 9 months. I’m going to talk a lot about cats, so bear with me. (CW: pet loss. Skip the first two paragraphs if you need to.)
After signing with Liv and diving into some minor edits to prep ARCTIC RIFT for submission to publishers, my little bestie cat, Pharnsworth, was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer and passed away very quickly at the end of February 2025. (Unexpected #1) It was heartbreaking. Having work to do kept me from slipping into depression mode, but it was rough. Pharnsworth was a big emotional support and was there when I started this book journey. Our other cat, Tinker, had a chance to say goodbye and seemed to understand Pharnsworth was “big bye-bye,” and “Pharnsworth no home. Pharnsworth all done.” (Yes, I’m tearing up while I write this.)
Tinker has always been an anxious boy due to his background before we adopted him, and Pharnsworth was also his emotional support. We quickly realized he needed one or more confident cats to help him thrive. We’d already been thinking about adopting a pair of younger cats before Pharnsworth got sick, so, while Liv and I edited, my husband and I decided to adopt a pair of 1yo boy cats.
End of March, enter: Fidget (tux) and Sploot (tabby). Fidget has a chronic virus that makes him very full of boogers. Seriously, like all the boogers. But he’s otherwise fearless, full of energy, and super smart. The boogers have to be why he and Sploot spent the majority of their short lives in the shelter. 
Sploot is cautious, but a clumsy gentle giant. Because we weren’t made aware about the chronic virus (Unexpected #2) until we’d done the adoption agreement, we had to be very careful about exposing Tinker until our vet could weigh in. She determined it should be fine, but then it wasn’t. (Unexpected #3) Tinker got very sick in April. We don’t know why it hit him so hard, but it was like reliving February all over again. And of course it happened at the same time my doctor wanted me to go off my SNRI to test for some potential medical issues. (Unexpected #4) I use that medication to help with pain from my fibromyalgia and to help with my generalized anxiety disorder (GAD)—thank you complex PTSD. So I said hell no, I’ll do that later when things are less chaotic. Ha! Ha ha…hahaha…
Somehow, in the midst of all this, I managed to finish the edits. 
Writing isn’t always about feeling like it. Sometimes it’s about needing it. Sometimes it’s about doing it even when you don’t want to. Mostly, for me anyway, it’s about finding some kind of refuge in the chaos. Story has always been that for me. This year was no different.
Once Tinker was on the mend in May and my book was ready to go on sub, I decided, ok, I can go off the SNRI and do these tests—which would take 8 weeks total. I started stepping them down in June, under my doctor’s care, aaaaand…Tinker’s virus-weakened immune system let in ringworm and all the cuss words I know. (Unexpected #5) We had to deep clean the whole house WHILE I was stepping down my meds, in pain, and my anxiety was all over the place. Poor Tinker went back in quarantine after barely getting a chance to meet his new “nephews.” Everybody went in quarantine, actually. I gave my office to Tinker for his, meaning no quiet place for me to do my PT, decompress, or, y’know, work. The ringworm infection lasted for 6 weeks. But we got through it.
Meanwhile, a few passes came in on the book. Nothing actionable. Just “I enjoyed it, it was so fun, but not a good fit.” Honestly, this was the easiest part of the summer. I was confident in my book. Liv was confident. Subjective responses are just that: subjective. I suppose if you get enough of them, they can feel less like that, but I was just happy to be moving forward through the chaos with an agent I trusted. That is why it’s so important to really trust that your agent has your back, understands your work, and will champion it for you out there in the trenches.
Is it hard to go through this process while GAD is screeching in your ear all day and your nerves are in a painful feedback loop? Hoo boy, yes! Oh, and turns out the SNRI was also helping with my fibromyalgia brain fog, so my memory felt like swiss cheese shoved in a microwave and my executive function decided to take a nap for the entire summer, but again, I was confident in my work and my team, which is essential. Now here comes Unexpected #6: Liv had to abruptly leave agenting altogether at the end of September.
I can’t tell you how much I connected with Liv as an agent, reader, editor… She really set the bar high for me on what that career-level partnership could look like. Then it turned out that next-best agency match for ARCTIC RIFT and I both had similar hesitations about our longterm potential together, so my Unexpected #7 is me leaving the agency heading back to the query trenches. Sci-fi writing is not for the faint of heart.
While I know this is more of a strategic re-routing than going backward in my career, it’s hard not to feel that way at times. And since I’m STILL not back on my medication, my body and brain are all too ready to agree with that feeling. Chronic pain definitely makes other difficult things feel harder to navigate and easier to be discouraged by. GAD doesn’t help either. But at the end of the day, the summer, this godawful year…I have a book I’m proud of, a career milestone reached, and a chance to keep going.
Pharnsworth was a very happy, chill boy who rolled with the unexpected in life. Yeah, sometimes he cried about it, but he always chose love at the end. He also never gave up on his dreams of eating every green plant ever. The world was his salad bar! He wouldn’t want me to give up on my dreams either. So here we go, in 3…2…1… QUERY! Bring on Unexpected #8!
